A New Count

It's been a semi-sad week in my mind. Not everything, but one thing in particular has had me thinking.

After one month shy of 33 years, my parents have begun a new count. It is now one week. On the other side of their divorce.

It is really weird that this word is now a part of my family. Things have been really bad for a long time, and a lot of pain has ensued, but they have just now become one of the statistics. Divorce. Crazy.

I know it's a mixture of emotions for my parents. Also a mixture for my brother and me. There's a lot of anger. A lot of sadness. A lot of resentment. Some fear. A lot of hurt feelings and hurt hearts.

It's been a personal battle for me. As a Christian, I know that divorce is wrong. I know that God hates divorce. Marriages are forever. But I also understand how being in a miserable family makes it hard to want to stick it out. I also understand how extenuating circumstances (health issues, family history) can bring so much trauma and difficulty into a situation.

For years, I have been very vocally 'on the record' about my parents' relationship. I had a very (perhaps wrong) strong "just divorce and get it over with" mentality. Now that it has come and gone, I have mixed emotions. I hope that this can cause some peace to return to our family. I hope that anger and hard feelings can take a backseat, and maybe fizzle out. I am also so sad. It it hard for me to see my family break apart. Sure, it's been looming for years, but the fact that it has come and gone is a hard hit of reality.

I have especially begun to think of my mom in a new light. Many of you know that I have had some harsh feelings--anger, hurt, bitterness--toward her. But as I see her face this new stage of her life, I feel sadness and compassion for her. I can't imagine what she is facing. I know she had the same dreams I have--a loving husband, a great family, a Christian home, growing old together with lots of love--these have been taken away after years of fighting for them. We still don't see eye to eye on most things and there is a lot of repair to be done in our relationship, but 'getting' the pain and heartache that this is causing her has formed one piece of that bridge for me.

There have been years of bickering, confusion, contention and crisis in our family. Last Wednesday's finality of this divorce is a new piece of our history. I can only hope that as my parents face this 'new count' in their lives, they can both be open to how God can now use it to bring each of them closer to him. I also hope that God will work in each of my family member's hearts to start healing the wounds of the past and bring us together so that the future will be brighter than the past.

I am simply using this as a method of airing out my mind. I know it may be some uncomfortable material, so if you are reading this please do not feel required to make a comment. (If you want to make one, it's surely welcome!) I do ask that you say a prayer for my family. Appreciate it.